Three Hundred, A Musical
Act II
Scene 2
(The BOWLING ALLEY. BILLY is slowly walking across the stage with this bowling bag. He puts it in his locker, the turns and crosses to the front counter, where MARVIN is standing, reading a magazine.)
BILLY
Well, Marv, I took your advice.
MARVIN
(Not really paying attention.)
Yeah? That’s nice.
BILLY
Yep. Now my life is ruined.
MARVIN
(Looking up, startled.)
Huh? What are you talkin’ about?
BILLY
I had a choice between bowling and the woman I love.
MARVIN
Don’t tell me; lemme guess. You chose bowling.
BILLY
That’s what you told me to do, isn’t it?
MARVIN
Billy, correct me if I’m wrong. You told me you were discouraged with bowling and thinking of taking up tennis, right?
BILLY
Sort of.
MARVIN
Sort of. And I told you to stick with bowling?
BILLY
Uh-huh.
MARVIN
Good. Now think carefully. Did I say anything in there about dumping your girlfriend?
BILLY
Not in so many words. But I didn’t have any choice. She told me it was either bowling or marriage.
MARVIN
Listen, kid, on a scale of one to ten, bowling is a solid nine. But love is a ten, get it? You’ll get awfully lonely on the pro tour with nobody waiting for you at home.
BILLY
I don’t care. I don’t need anybody, not even Marie. I’m gonna make it all by myself.
THERE’S SO MANY PEOPLE LIVING ON THIS EARTH
WHO NEVER ASK WHAT ALL OF THIS IS WORTH.
THEY DO THEIR JOBS, AND COME HOME, NEVER QUESTION WHY.
MAKE THEIR BEDS, SAY THEIR PRAYERS, WATCH THEIR LIVES GO BY.
THEY FOLLOW ORDERS, DO THEIR BEST, AND THEN THEY WATCH TV.
THAT MAY BE FINE FOR SOME OF THEM,
BUT IT’S NOT RIGHT FOR ME, ‘CAUSE . . .
I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
I DON’T NEED ANYONE BUT ME.
I’VE GOT MY LIFE AHEAD OF ME,
I’M GONNA DO IT RIGHT.
SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO TIE ME DOWN
IS LOOKING FOR A FIGHT, AND
I’M GONNA MAKE MY OWN MISTAKES.
I’M NOT AFRAID TO TAKE A CHANCE.
IF I SHOULD FALL DOWN ON MY FACE,
I’LL GET BACK UP AGAIN.
THEY’LL PUT ME SIX FEET UNDERGROUND
BEFORE I PACK IT IN, AND
I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
THEY’LL NEVER SAY I DIDN’T TRY.
I’LL BE THE ONE WHO CALLS THE TUNE,
OR KNOW THE REASON WHY.
AND I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
(Solo dance number)
I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
I’LL BE THE MAN I’M MEANT TO BE.
I HAVE TO FIND OUT WHO I AM.
I JUST CAN’T BE A FAKE.
THE GIRL WHO WANTS TO CHANGE MY LIFE
IS MAKING A MISTAKE, AND
I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
THEY’LL NEVER SAY I DIDN’T TRY.
I’LL BE THE ONE WHO CALLS THE TUNE
OR KNOW THE REASON WHY.
AND I’M GONNA MAKE IT
ON MY OWN!
MARVIN
Stirring sentiments, kid, but nobody’s made of stone.
BILLY
I guess I’ll find out, won’t I? The first thing I’ve got to do is win the tournament tonight.
MARVIN
I’m rooting for you. Unofficially, of course. Go finish drilling those balls and you can knock off early and get ready.
BILLY
Thanks, Marv. (HE exits, STAGE RIGHT.)
HARRY
(Entering, STAGE LEFT, with ARNIE, WALTER and FRED.)
And so the minister says, "That’s funny, I thought it looked more like a porcupine!"
(ALL FOUR MEN double up with laughter.)
WALTER
(Pointing toward STAGE RIGHT, where the WOMEN are preparing to bowl.)
Hey, guys, there they are!
ARNIE
It’s the Bowling Biddies, in person!
(The MEN cross to join their wives.)
ARLENE
Uh-oh, here comes trouble, ladies.
FRED
Oh, boy, can we watch? Maybe pick up some pointers.
MARCIA
Maybe you’ll pick up some bruises!
SUSIE
(To HARRY.)
Did you ever have a bowling ball shoved up your . . .
HARRY
Now, dear, that’s no way to talk to your loving husband. We’re just here to cheer you on to bigger and better averages.
ARNIE
Break a hundred, that’s the battle cry!
JUDY
(Turing HER back on them.)
It’s a free country, right, girls?
MARCIA
So they tell me. Some people are freer than others. I usually have to stay home when he bowls. What’d you do with little Freddie? Dump him at the pinpall parlor?
FRED
No. I dumped him at your mother’s.
SUSIE
(To HARRY.)
Is that what you did with Jennifer?
HARRY
No, she’s with my mother.
ARLENE
(To ARNIE.)
Where’s the dog?
ARNIE
Out in the truck.
JUDY
You guys really stink.
WALTER
Aw, baby, don't be like that. We’re really glad you have your own team, aren’t we, guys? We just wanted to see how you’re doing.
FRED
And we love the name: The Bowling Bimbos!
MARCIA
Widows. And that’s what we’re all gonna be for real if you guys don’t leave us alone!
HARRY
Okay, okay. Now, you sure you don’t want some pointers? Like, there’s the pins, see, and you try to knock them down with the ball.
(HE easily picks up one of their balls.)
Here’s the ball. Jeez, how much does this weigh, anyhow? You better get a heavier ball. This is liable to bounce off the pins instead of knocking 'em down!
SUSIE
(Grabbing the ball away from him, and almost dropping it because it’s so heavy.)
Listen, Mr. Smarty Pants, at least we’re improving. Isn’t that what it’s all about? You’ve carried the same average for the last five years!
ARNIE
She’s right, you know.
HARRY
At least mine hasn’t gone down, like some people I know.
(Looking pointedly at WALTER.)
WALTER
Hey, whose side are you on, anyway?
ARLENE
(Finishes tying her shoes and stands up.)
Okay, girls, enough of this foolishness. We’re here to bowl.
JUDY
That’s right. Just ignore these ignoramuses.
SUSIE
(As the MEN snicker and make derisive comments.)
No, wait a minute. We are improving. And they’re not! I’ll bet if we used handicaps we could probably beat ‘em!
(There is a moment of stunned silence. The WOMEN look at each other. The MEN look at each other. Suddenly they all start talking at once.)
MARCIA
Quiet, everybody! Shut up!
(SHE turns to the other WOMEN.)
Well, what do you think?
ARLENE
Let’s talk it over.
(The WOMEN huddle and whisper among themselves.)
FRED
(As the MEN withdraw in a group to STAGE LEFT.)
Uh, guys, I don’t like the looks of this.
ARNIE
Me, neither. It looks like a no-win situation.
WALTER
So we don’t do it, that’s all.
HARRY
What are you guys worried about? We’re men! We been bowling about a hundred years between us. There’s no way they could win.
FRED
Uh, Harry, that’s what you said about Charlie’s Bar. Those guys all had averages under one-thirty. We gave up so many pins we couldn’t catch up. Then that one skinny dude had the best night of his life, bowled way over his head . . .
HARRY
Those were still guys. We’re talking about our wives, remember?
FRED
Yeah, I remember. Have you stopped to think about what might happen if we should lose?
(The MEN look at each other for a moment, then simultaneously shake their heads and make negative gestures, apparently in agreement that they will refuse to go along with their wives.)
ARLENE
(As the WOMEN break their huddle and cross to the MEN.)
Okay, boys, here’s the deal. We bowl you three games, with ninety percent handicaps. Two points for each game, one point for totals.
ARNIE
Nothing doing. We won’t lower ourselves. Anyway, you can’t possible win, right, boys?
JUDY
So what do you have to worry about? Besides, we haven’t discussed the stakes.
WALTER
The stakes?
SUSIE
Yeah, you know, the reward for the winners.
HARRY
Okay, what do we get when we win? And we’re not going to bet against our own money, either!
(The WOMEN cross to their husbands and whisper in their ears. After a moment the men grow animated, and finally turn to the audience with smiles on their faces.)
FRED
Okay, let’s say we’re interested, eh, boys? Just for the sake of argument, what happens -- chuckle, chuckle -- if you win?
MARCIA
You buy us new bowling balls and bags and shoes and joined the doubles league with us.
ARNIE
That’s ridiculous.
YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS.
YOU’LL NEVER WIN
WALTER
YOU’LL BE FURIOUS.
WE’LL DO YOU IN.
HARRY
WE’RE BIGGER AND WE’RE STRONGER.
WE’VE BEEN BOWLING ALL OUR LIVES.
FRED
WE’LL NEVER TAKE A CHANCE ON
GETTING BEATEN BY OUR WIVES!
ARLENE
THAT’S VERY CURIOUS,
AND VERY SAD.
JUDY
YOU’RE SO IMPERIOUS.
YOU MAKE US SO MAD!
SUSIE
YOU THINK THAT YOU’RE UNBEATABLE,
AND YOU MAY WELL BE RIGHT.
MARCIA
BUT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO PROVE IT,
OR DON’T COME HOME TONIGHT!
MEN
WE’RE HAPPILY MARRIED
AS FAR AS WE KNOW.
AFTER WE’RE BURRIED,
THEY’LL GET ALL OUR DOUGH
ARNIE
OUR LIFE WAS ONE LONG HONEYMOON,
OH, WHAT THE HECK WENT WRONG?
MEN
WE WERE HAPPILY MARRIED,
‘TIL THIS THING CAME ALONG!
WOMEN
HAPPILY MARRIED?
OH, DON’T MAKE US CHOKE.
WE’LL GET ALL YOUR MONEY?
NOW, THAT’S A GOOD JOKE!
ARLENE
WE’VE COOKED AND CLEANED AND SLEPT WITH YOU,
PUT UP WITH EVERY MOOD.
WOMEN
IF YOU THINK IT’S FOR THE MONEY,
THEN YOU’VE FINALLY COME UNGLUED!
(Dance number.)
ALL
HAPPILY MARRIED!
OR SO IT SEEMED.
THIS SITUATION
IS NOT WHAT WE DREAMED.
WOMEN
WE ARE BOWLING WIDOWS,
WE’RE GONNA HAVE OUR DAY!
MEN
THANK YOU FOR THE OFFER,
BUT WE DON’T WANTA PLAY!
WOMEN
YOU’D BETTER RECONSIDER,
OR WE’RE GONNA MAKE YOU PAY . . .
WALTER
(Pause.) When do you wanta do this?
ALL
HAPPILY MARRIED
ANYWAY!
JUDY
What’s wrong with right now?
HARRY
Uh, we haven’t got our balls and shoes, for one thing.
SUSIE
C’mon, they’re right over there in the lockers where you always keep ‘em. Quit stalling!
HARRY
Oh, yeah, right.
(The MEN reluctantly shuffle over to their lockers and get out their bags.)
ARLENE
(To the WOMEN, who are gathered STAGE LEFT.)
Okay, girls, this is it. It’s now or never.
MARCIA
Now we’ll see if those secret bowling lessons we’ve been taking are gonna pay off!
JUDY
Don’t worry. They’ll be so surprised, they won’t know what hit ‘em.
SUSIE
Well, we’d better not lose. I haven’t done that since before we were married!
ARLENE
Don’t worry, we’re gonna slaughter ‘em!
(The WOMEN clasp hands in an all-for-one salute and cheer loudly.)
FRED
This makes me very nervous.
ARNIE
Yeah, look at ‘em. They’re really fired up!
HARRY
Guys, guys, what’s wrong with you? You’re scared of a bunch of broads?
WALTER
Yeah, c’mon, we can get fired up, too! We’re gonna kick some butt and collect our reward, right?
(The MEN slap hands, grab their bags, and cross to where the WOMEN are waiting. The alley fills with CHORUS MEMBERS. The LIGHTS begin to strobe, while a frantic instrumental medly of tunes from the show is accompanied by shouts, cheers and the sounds of balls rolling down the alleys and knocking over pins. The MEN and WOMEN dash around frantically in exaggerated motions. The whole thing rises to a crescendo, with a final, prolonged shout from ALL. The cast freezes at the end of the shout.)
BLACKOUT
END OF ACT II, SCENE 2
GO TO ACT II, SCENE 3