Three Hundred, A Musical

Act II


Scene 2

(The BOWLING ALLEY. BILLY is slowly walking across the stage with this bowling bag. He puts it in his locker, the turns and crosses to the front counter, where MARVIN is standing, reading a magazine.)

BILLY

Well, Marv, I took your advice.

MARVIN

(Not really paying attention.)
Yeah? That’s nice.

BILLY

Yep. Now my life is ruined.

MARVIN

(Looking up, startled.)
Huh? What are you talkin’ about?

BILLY

I had a choice between bowling and the woman I love.

MARVIN

Don’t tell me; lemme guess. You chose bowling.

BILLY

That’s what you told me to do, isn’t it?

MARVIN

Billy, correct me if I’m wrong. You told me you were discouraged with bowling and thinking of taking up tennis, right?

BILLY

Sort of.

MARVIN

Sort of. And I told you to stick with bowling?

BILLY

Uh-huh.

MARVIN

Good. Now think carefully. Did I say anything in there about dumping your girlfriend?

BILLY

Not in so many words. But I didn’t have any choice. She told me it was either bowling or marriage.

MARVIN

Listen, kid, on a scale of one to ten, bowling is a solid nine. But love is a ten, get it? You’ll get awfully lonely on the pro tour with nobody waiting for you at home.

BILLY

I don’t care. I don’t need anybody, not even Marie. I’m gonna make it all by myself.
THERE’S SO MANY PEOPLE LIVING ON THIS EARTH
WHO NEVER ASK WHAT ALL OF THIS IS WORTH.
THEY DO THEIR JOBS, AND COME HOME, NEVER QUESTION WHY.
MAKE THEIR BEDS, SAY THEIR PRAYERS, WATCH THEIR LIVES GO BY.
THEY FOLLOW ORDERS, DO THEIR BEST, AND THEN THEY WATCH TV.
THAT MAY BE FINE FOR SOME OF THEM,
BUT IT’S NOT RIGHT FOR ME, ‘CAUSE . . .

I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
I DON’T NEED ANYONE BUT ME.
I’VE GOT MY LIFE AHEAD OF ME,
I’M GONNA DO IT RIGHT.
SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO TIE ME DOWN
IS LOOKING FOR A FIGHT, AND

I’M GONNA MAKE MY OWN MISTAKES.
I’M NOT AFRAID TO TAKE A CHANCE.
IF I SHOULD FALL DOWN ON MY FACE,
I’LL GET BACK UP AGAIN.
THEY’LL PUT ME SIX FEET UNDERGROUND
BEFORE I PACK IT IN, AND

I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
THEY’LL NEVER SAY I DIDN’T TRY.
I’LL BE THE ONE WHO CALLS THE TUNE,
OR KNOW THE REASON WHY.
AND I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.

(Solo dance number)

I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
I’LL BE THE MAN I’M MEANT TO BE.
I HAVE TO FIND OUT WHO I AM.
I JUST CAN’T BE A FAKE.
THE GIRL WHO WANTS TO CHANGE MY LIFE
IS MAKING A MISTAKE, AND

I’M GONNA MAKE IT ON MY OWN.
THEY’LL NEVER SAY I DIDN’T TRY.
I’LL BE THE ONE WHO CALLS THE TUNE
OR KNOW THE REASON WHY.
AND I’M GONNA MAKE IT
ON MY OWN!

MARVIN

Stirring sentiments, kid, but nobody’s made of stone.

BILLY

I guess I’ll find out, won’t I? The first thing I’ve got to do is win the tournament tonight.

MARVIN

I’m rooting for you. Unofficially, of course. Go finish drilling those balls and you can knock off early and get ready.

BILLY

Thanks, Marv. (HE exits, STAGE RIGHT.)

HARRY

(Entering, STAGE LEFT, with ARNIE, WALTER and FRED.)
And so the minister says, "That’s funny, I thought it looked more like a porcupine!"
(ALL FOUR MEN double up with laughter.)

WALTER

(Pointing toward STAGE RIGHT, where the WOMEN are preparing to bowl.)
Hey, guys, there they are!

ARNIE

It’s the Bowling Biddies, in person!
(The MEN cross to join their wives.)

ARLENE

Uh-oh, here comes trouble, ladies.

FRED

Oh, boy, can we watch? Maybe pick up some pointers.

MARCIA

Maybe you’ll pick up some bruises!

SUSIE

(To HARRY.)
Did you ever have a bowling ball shoved up your . . .

HARRY

Now, dear, that’s no way to talk to your loving husband. We’re just here to cheer you on to bigger and better averages.

ARNIE

Break a hundred, that’s the battle cry!

JUDY

(Turing HER back on them.)
It’s a free country, right, girls?

MARCIA

So they tell me. Some people are freer than others. I usually have to stay home when he bowls. What’d you do with little Freddie? Dump him at the pinpall parlor?

FRED

No. I dumped him at your mother’s.

SUSIE

(To HARRY.)
Is that what you did with Jennifer?

HARRY

No, she’s with my mother.

ARLENE

(To ARNIE.)
Where’s the dog?

ARNIE

Out in the truck.

JUDY

You guys really stink.

WALTER

Aw, baby, don't be like that. We’re really glad you have your own team, aren’t we, guys? We just wanted to see how you’re doing.

FRED

And we love the name: The Bowling Bimbos!

MARCIA

Widows. And that’s what we’re all gonna be for real if you guys don’t leave us alone!

HARRY

Okay, okay. Now, you sure you don’t want some pointers? Like, there’s the pins, see, and you try to knock them down with the ball.
(HE easily picks up one of their balls.)
Here’s the ball. Jeez, how much does this weigh, anyhow? You better get a heavier ball. This is liable to bounce off the pins instead of knocking 'em down!

SUSIE

(Grabbing the ball away from him, and almost dropping it because it’s so heavy.)
Listen, Mr. Smarty Pants, at least we’re improving. Isn’t that what it’s all about? You’ve carried the same average for the last five years!

ARNIE

She’s right, you know.

HARRY

At least mine hasn’t gone down, like some people I know.
(Looking pointedly at WALTER.)

WALTER

Hey, whose side are you on, anyway?

ARLENE

(Finishes tying her shoes and stands up.)
Okay, girls, enough of this foolishness. We’re here to bowl.

JUDY

That’s right. Just ignore these ignoramuses.

SUSIE

(As the MEN snicker and make derisive comments.)
No, wait a minute. We are improving. And they’re not! I’ll bet if we used handicaps we could probably beat ‘em!
(There is a moment of stunned silence. The WOMEN look at each other. The MEN look at each other. Suddenly they all start talking at once.)

MARCIA

Quiet, everybody! Shut up!
(SHE turns to the other WOMEN.)
Well, what do you think?

ARLENE

Let’s talk it over.
(The WOMEN huddle and whisper among themselves.)

FRED

(As the MEN withdraw in a group to STAGE LEFT.)
Uh, guys, I don’t like the looks of this.

ARNIE

Me, neither. It looks like a no-win situation.

WALTER

So we don’t do it, that’s all.

HARRY

What are you guys worried about? We’re men! We been bowling about a hundred years between us. There’s no way they could win.

FRED

Uh, Harry, that’s what you said about Charlie’s Bar. Those guys all had averages under one-thirty. We gave up so many pins we couldn’t catch up. Then that one skinny dude had the best night of his life, bowled way over his head . . .

HARRY

Those were still guys. We’re talking about our wives, remember?

FRED

Yeah, I remember. Have you stopped to think about what might happen if we should lose?
(The MEN look at each other for a moment, then simultaneously shake their heads and make negative gestures, apparently in agreement that they will refuse to go along with their wives.)

ARLENE

(As the WOMEN break their huddle and cross to the MEN.)
Okay, boys, here’s the deal. We bowl you three games, with ninety percent handicaps. Two points for each game, one point for totals.

ARNIE

Nothing doing. We won’t lower ourselves. Anyway, you can’t possible win, right, boys?

JUDY

So what do you have to worry about? Besides, we haven’t discussed the stakes.

WALTER

The stakes?

SUSIE

Yeah, you know, the reward for the winners.

HARRY

Okay, what do we get when we win? And we’re not going to bet against our own money, either!

(The WOMEN cross to their husbands and whisper in their ears. After a moment the men grow animated, and finally turn to the audience with smiles on their faces.)

FRED

Okay, let’s say we’re interested, eh, boys? Just for the sake of argument, what happens -- chuckle, chuckle -- if you win?

MARCIA

You buy us new bowling balls and bags and shoes and joined the doubles league with us.

ARNIE

That’s ridiculous.

YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS.
YOU’LL NEVER WIN

WALTER

YOU’LL BE FURIOUS.
WE’LL DO YOU IN.

HARRY

WE’RE BIGGER AND WE’RE STRONGER.
WE’VE BEEN BOWLING ALL OUR LIVES.

FRED

WE’LL NEVER TAKE A CHANCE ON
GETTING BEATEN BY OUR WIVES!

ARLENE

THAT’S VERY CURIOUS,
AND VERY SAD.

JUDY

YOU’RE SO IMPERIOUS.
YOU MAKE US SO MAD!

SUSIE

YOU THINK THAT YOU’RE UNBEATABLE,
AND YOU MAY WELL BE RIGHT.

MARCIA

BUT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO PROVE IT,
OR DON’T COME HOME TONIGHT!

MEN

WE’RE HAPPILY MARRIED
AS FAR AS WE KNOW.
AFTER WE’RE BURRIED,
THEY’LL GET ALL OUR DOUGH

ARNIE

OUR LIFE WAS ONE LONG HONEYMOON,
OH, WHAT THE HECK WENT WRONG?

MEN

WE WERE HAPPILY MARRIED,
‘TIL THIS THING CAME ALONG!

WOMEN

HAPPILY MARRIED?
OH, DON’T MAKE US CHOKE.
WE’LL GET ALL YOUR MONEY?
NOW, THAT’S A GOOD JOKE!

ARLENE

WE’VE COOKED AND CLEANED AND SLEPT WITH YOU,
PUT UP WITH EVERY MOOD.

WOMEN

IF YOU THINK IT’S FOR THE MONEY,
THEN YOU’VE FINALLY COME UNGLUED!

(Dance number.)

ALL

HAPPILY MARRIED!
OR SO IT SEEMED.
THIS SITUATION
IS NOT WHAT WE DREAMED.

WOMEN

WE ARE BOWLING WIDOWS,
WE’RE GONNA HAVE OUR DAY!

MEN

THANK YOU FOR THE OFFER,
BUT WE DON’T WANTA PLAY!

WOMEN

YOU’D BETTER RECONSIDER,
OR WE’RE GONNA MAKE YOU PAY . . .

WALTER

(Pause.) When do you wanta do this?

ALL

HAPPILY MARRIED
ANYWAY!

JUDY

What’s wrong with right now?

HARRY

Uh, we haven’t got our balls and shoes, for one thing.

SUSIE

C’mon, they’re right over there in the lockers where you always keep ‘em. Quit stalling!

HARRY

Oh, yeah, right.
(The MEN reluctantly shuffle over to their lockers and get out their bags.)

ARLENE

(To the WOMEN, who are gathered STAGE LEFT.)
Okay, girls, this is it. It’s now or never.

MARCIA

Now we’ll see if those secret bowling lessons we’ve been taking are gonna pay off!

JUDY

Don’t worry. They’ll be so surprised, they won’t know what hit ‘em.

SUSIE

Well, we’d better not lose. I haven’t done that since before we were married!

ARLENE

Don’t worry, we’re gonna slaughter ‘em!
(The WOMEN clasp hands in an all-for-one salute and cheer loudly.)

FRED

This makes me very nervous.

ARNIE

Yeah, look at ‘em. They’re really fired up!

HARRY

Guys, guys, what’s wrong with you? You’re scared of a bunch of broads?

WALTER

Yeah, c’mon, we can get fired up, too! We’re gonna kick some butt and collect our reward, right?
(The MEN slap hands, grab their bags, and cross to where the WOMEN are waiting. The alley fills with CHORUS MEMBERS. The LIGHTS begin to strobe, while a frantic instrumental medly of tunes from the show is accompanied by shouts, cheers and the sounds of balls rolling down the alleys and knocking over pins. The MEN and WOMEN dash around frantically in exaggerated motions. The whole thing rises to a crescendo, with a final, prolonged shout from ALL. The cast freezes at the end of the shout.)

BLACKOUT

END OF ACT II, SCENE 2

GO TO ACT II, SCENE 3