Three Hundred, A Musical
Act II
Scene 1
(The BARBER SHOP. ARNIE, WALTER, HARRY and FRED are sitting in chairs, reading newspapers and sports magazines. A BARBER is standing behind one of them. The scene is similar to the wives in the BEAUTY SHOP. In fact, the same set is used, with different decoration.)
ARNIE
How about those Packers! Boy-oh-Boy!
WALTER
Says here they’re gonna renew Coach Bombatt’s contract at the high school. Why, I wouldn’t hire that chowderhead to sweep my porch!
HARRY
Did you hear what Whats-His-Name did last night at the Dallas game? What a character!
FRED
Do you guys know that all we ever talk about is sports?
ARNIE
What’s yer point?
WALTER
Yeah, you got somethin’ else you wanta talk about?
FRED
(After a pause.)
Nahhh!
ALL
SPO-ORTS! SPO-ORTS! SPO-ORTS! SPORTS!
ARNIE
THE PACK IS GETTIN’ SEVEN POINTS.
THAT OUGHTA BE A LOCK!
WALTER
I LIKE CHICAGO’S DEFENSE
BUT THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO BLOCK
HARRY
DENVER IS A CINCH,
THEY HAVEN’T LOST AT HOME ALL YEAR.
FRED
WHAT’S THE STORY WITH THE JETS?
THE WHOLE TEAM MUST BE QUEER!
ARNIE
POINT SPREADS.
WALTER
QUARTERBACKS.
HARRY
DEFENSE.
FRED
ONE-ON-ONE.
ARNIE
TOUCHDOWN.
WALTER
SAFETY BLITZ.
HARRY
THEY WON IT
FRED
AT THE GUN.
ARNIE
OFFENSE.
WALTER
PENALTIES.
HARRY
DID YOU SEE THAT CATCH?
FRED
ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT IS
ALL
FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL!
ARNIE
HOW ABOUT CHICAGO?
THINK THEY’LL GO ALL THE WAY?
WALTER
THERE’LL NEVER BE ANOTHER ONE
AS GOOD AS MICHAEL J!
HARRY
THE LAKERS GOT THAT ROOKIE,
THEY’LL MAKE A MOVE, I HOPE.
FRED
WHAT IS UP WITH BOSTON?
THEY ALL MUST BE ON DOPE!
ARNIE
FOUL SHOTS.
WALTER
FORWARDS.
HARRY
SLAM DUNKS.
FRED
ONE-ON-ONE.
ARNIE
BOUNCE PASS.
WALTER
PENALTIES.
HARRY
CENTERS.
FRED
RUN-AND-GUN.
ARNIE
JUMP HOOKS.
WALTER
OVERTIME.
HARRY
N-C-DOUBLE-A.
FRED
ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT IS
ALL
BASKETBALL! BASKETBALL! BASKETBALL! BASKETBALL!
ARNIE
IT SAYS HERE THAT THE YANKEES.
COULD DO IT ONCE AGIN.
WALTER
ATLANTA’S GOT THE PITCHING,
THAT’S WHAT YOU NEED TO WIN.
HARRY
TAKE ME TO THE BALL GAME
AND BUY ME CRACKERJACK.
FRED
WHAT ISS WRONG WITH CLEVELAND?
THEY'LL NEVER GET ON TRACK.
ARNIE
SHORTSTOP.
WALTER
FOUL BALL.
HARRY
OUTFIELD.
FRED
DOUBLE PLAYS.
ARNIE
BABE RUTH.
WALTER
WILLIAMS.
HARRY
GEHRIG.
FRED
WILLIE MAYS!
ARNIE
BULL PEN.
WALTER
FORK BALL.
HARRY
POPCORN AND A BEER.
FRED
ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT IS
ALL
BASEBALL! BASEBALL! BASEBALL! BASEBALL!
ARNIE
MUHAMMED ALI.
WALTER
TYSON.
HARRY
PACQUIAO
FRED
AND SUGAR RAY.
ARNIE
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED.
WALTER
ESPN.
HARRY
PAY-PER-VIEW.
FRED
ALL DAY.
ARNIE
STADIUMS.
WALTER
ARENAS.
HARRY
SUPERDOMES.
FRED
AND TENNIS COURTS.
ALL
ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT IS SPORTS...
ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT IS SPORTS!
HARRY
You guys know what the week’s big sports story is, don’t you? It’s our wives’ bowling team!
WALTER
The Bowling Widows! It’s like we’re supposed to be dead or something.
ARNIE
It’s all Arlene talks about anymore. You’d think she’d have something on her mind besides bowling!
HARRY
(Looking at FRED.)
And it’s all your fault, you know. It was your wife who wanted to join the Mixed League.
FRED
Hey, you guys told me to stonewall it. It can’t help it if your wives are all stupid enough to listen to my wife!
WALTER
I took a look at their first league sheet. They all got averages below a hundred!
ARNIE
Good thing we don’t hafta bowl ‘em. We’d have to give up about three hundred pins a game in handicap!
FRED
Yeah, we’d be down thirty marks in the first frame!
HARRY
Well, we don’t have to worry about that. Unless we all put on skirts and joined the Women’s League!
ARNIE
I could never bowl in one of those tight skirts, anyway.
WALTER
Might help your game, actually. (Pokes at ARNIE.) Hey, I got an idea. Let’s go down there and see how they’re doing!
HARRY
Yeah, they’re practicing this afternoon. It won’t do ‘em any good, of course.
ARNIE
We could cheer ‘em on, right?
FRED
Maybe give ‘em a few pointers. Like, this is a bowling ball!
WALTER
Wait a minute. If she’s bowling, that means I gotta babysit!
ARNIE
Babysit! Oh, no!
FRED
Yeah. I gotta watch the kids, too.
ALL
(After a pause.)
Take ‘em to Grandma’s!
(THEY slap hands and congratulate each other, as the curtain falls.)
END OF ACT II, SCENE 1
GO TO ACT II, SCENE 2