Three Hundred, A Musical
Act I
Scene 1
(The BOWLING ALLEY. Only the front desk area is lit. The remainder of the set is in darkness. MARVIN, the owner of the establishment, is standing behind the desk. A MAN and a WOMAN enter. The MAN is carrying a bowling bag. The WOMAN is obviously reluctant. The MAN eventually gets her to the desk.)
MAN
Hiya, Marvin! This is Annette. It's her first time bowling, and she's a little nervous.
MARVIN
Hey, honey, there's nothin' to it! Ya just throw the ball.
WOMAN
But I don't know a thing about bowling!
MAN
Don't worry about it. You'll learn!
(HE goes to get a ball for her.)
WOMAN
I'm going to make a fool of myself!
MARVIN
Let me tell you a secret. Most people look foolish when they're bowling. They just don't know it.
(HE reaches behind counter, brings out shoes.)
WOMAN
(Takes shoes, looks at them dubiously.)
Haven't you got something in a different color?
MAN
(Returning with bowling ball.)
Here, try this one.
WOMAN
(Taking ball, almost dropping it when HE lets go.)
It's so heavy! How am I supposed to throw this thing?
MAN
You'll get used to it. Now stop worrying and listen up:
BOWLING IS AN EASY GAME.
TEN LITTLE PINS IN EVERY FRAME.
JUST TEN FRAMES AND THEN YOU'RE DONE.
ADD THE SCORES AND, LOOK, YOU WON!
WOMAN
Okay, how do you hold it?
MARVIN
(Comes from behind counter and pantomimes.)
THREE LITTLE HOLES IN EVERY BALL.
GRASP IT FIRMLY, STAND UP TALL.
TAKE FOUR STEPS AND LET IT GO.
WATCH IT ROLL AND THEN . . . OH, NO!
WOMAN
What's wrong?
MARVIN
Gutter ball.
ALL
BOWLING! WE'RE GOING BOWLING!
IT'S SUCH A LOVELY GAME.
A THRILL IN EVERY FRAME.
YOU CAN DO IT.
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.
BOWLING IS A VERY EASY GAME.
WOMAN
Okay, tell me more.
MAN
A STRIKE IS WHEN YOU GET THEM ALL.
ALL TEN PINS WITH JUST ONE BALL.
IF IT TAKES TWO THAT'S CALLED A SPARE.
A SPLIT IS WHEN THEY'RE THERE . . . AND THERE.
WOMAN
That's very interesting.
MARVIN
A DOUBLE'S TWO STRIKES IN A ROW.
THREE'S A TURKEY, DON'T YOU KNOW.
A DOZEN STRIKES - A PERFECT GAME.
PUT AN X IN EVERY FRAME.
WOMAN
Oh, I could never do that!
ALL
BOWLING! WE'RE GOING BOWLING!
IT'S SUCH A LOVELY GAME.
A THRILL IN EVERY FRAME.
YOU CAN DO IT.
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.
BOWLING IS A VERY EASY GAME.
(Repeat chorus, as WOMAN pantomimes bowling with more enthusiasm)
BOWLING! WE'RE GOING BOWLING!
IT'S SUCH A LOVELY GAME.
A THRILL IN EVERY FRAME.
YOU CAN DO IT.
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.
BOWLING IS A VERY EASY GAME!
WOMAN
I think I'm starting to catch on. But how do you keep score?
MARVIN
Okay, you get one point for every pin you knock down. If you get a spare, you count the next ball after that double. If you get a strike, you count the next two balls twice. So if you get a spare in the first frame, and a strike in the second frame, you get twenty pins scored in the first, and the second is ten more plus the next two balls.
WOMAN
That's very complicated.
MAN
Nah, it's easy. I know some real morons who can do it.
WOMAN
And all you have to do to be perfect is bowl twelve strikes?
MAN
Whadda ya mean, "all you have to do"? It's not that easy. In fact, you hardly ever see it!
WOMAN
How much is a perfect game worth?
MAN
Well, just figure it out. If you get ten strikes in a row, that's ten plus ten plus ten for each frame. You get two extra balls in the tenth frame, so it comes out right. So, you put thirty in the first frame, and keep going like that.
WOMAN
Let's see. That's thirty plus thirty plus thirty . . . I can't add that far!
MAN
You just multiply. It's thirty times ten.
WOMAN
(SHE thinks a moment.)
OH! Three hundred, right?
MARVIN
(Reverently.)
Right. A perfect game is three hundred.
(LIGHTS UP on the rest of the BOWLING ALLEY, revealing dozens of people sitting at tables, standing around, getting ready to bowl. BILLY JONES crosses to CENTER STAGE, carrying a bowling bag.)
CHORUS
THREE HUNDRED!
BILLY
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SOUND!
CHORUS
THREE HUNDRED!
BILLY
SO STRONG, SO SURE, SO ROUND!
I'D RATHER HAVE A PERFECT GAME THAN DIAMONDS BY THE POUND.
AND I'M GONNA KEEP THROWIN' THAT BALL UNTIL I DO!
CHORUS
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?
BILLY
THREE HUNDRED!
CHORUS
DON'T YOU WANTA CLIMB THAT GOLDEN STAIR?
MAN
DON'T YOU THINK THERE MUST BE MORE TO LIFE?
WOMAN
DON'T YOU WANT A HOUSE, A KID, A WIFE?
BILLY
I DON'T NEED THE WORRIES AND THE STRIFE.
THREE HUNDRED!
I JUST WANT A GAME
WHERE EVERY FRAME
HAS AN X INSIDE.
GONNA GIVE MY ALL
AND THROW THAT BALL
AND GIVE THOSE PINS A RIDE!
CHORUS
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO FIND YOUR TRUE ROMANCE?
BILLY
THREE HUNDRED!
CHORUS
HAVE A VILLA IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE?
MAN
DON'T YOU HAVE A MORE EXCITING GOAL?
WOMAN
DON'T YOU WANTA SAVE YOUR MORTAL SOUL?
BILLY
SURE I DO, BUT FIRST I WANTA BOWL
THREE HUNDRED!
ALL THAT I WOULD LIKE
IS JUST ONE STRIKE
AND THEN ELEVEN MORE
SOMEDAY I WILL FIND
SOME PEACE OF MIND
AND KNOW WHAT LIFE IS FOR.
`TIL THEN I WANTA BOWL A PERFECT GAME.
CHORUS
THAT'S SILLY!
BILLY
I DON'T WANTA SEE AN OPEN FRAME.
CHORUS
OH, BILLY!
MARVIN
THE BOWLIN' ALLEY'S WHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS STAY.
YOU'LL BE HERE UNTIL YOU'RE OLD AND GRAY.
BILLY
I WON'T QUIT UNTIL I HEAR THEM SAY
THREE HUNDRED!
ALL THAT I WOULD LIKE
IS JUST ONE STRIKE
AND THEN ELEVEN MORE
SOMEDAY I WILL FIND
SOME PEACE OF MIND
AND KNOW WHAT LIFE IS FOR.
`TIL THEN I WANTA BOWL A PERFECT GAME.
CHORUS
THAT'S SILLY!
BILLY
I DON'T WANTA SEE AN OPEN FRAME.
CHORUS
OH, BILLY!
MARVIN
THE BOWLIN' ALLEY'S WHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS STAY.
YOU'LL BE HERE UNTIL YOUR DYING DAY.
BILLY
I WON'T QUIT UNTIL I HEAR THEM SAY...
CHORUS
THREE HUNDRED!
(Spoken)
THREE HUNDRED!
BILLY
(Picks up his bag and crosses to the pair of lanes where ARNIE, WALTER and HARRY are gathered, preparing to bowl.)
ALL THREE
Hiya, Billy! Howya doin', champ! What's happening? (etc.)
BILLY
Hi, guys.
(Looks around)
Anybody seen Fred?
ARNIE
He's moving a little slow with that ball and chain he's got.
WALTER
You mean Susie? I hear she's been giving him a hard time about bowling so much.
HARRY
Ditto for my old lady. Billy, you're lucky you're not married. It takes all my energy just to get out of the house every night!
BILLY
(Trying to ignore them.)
Who we up against tonight?
ARNIE
Murphy's Garage. We're gonna mow `em down!
WALTER
Yeah, I can feel it. Tonight's my night!
BILLY
Me, too. I've been in a slump lately, but tonight's when I break out of it. I might even roll the big one!
HARRY
The big one? You mean three . . .
ARNIE
Don't say it! You'll jinx him!
(All three MEN laugh and continue with their preparations. MARIE enters STAGE LEFT, sees BILLY, and crosses to him purposefully.)
MARIE
So there you are, Billy Jones! I should have known!
BILLY
Uh, hi, Marie. What are you doing here?
MARIE
Looking for you, you bum!
BILLY
What's the matter, honey bun?
MARIE
You know very well what's the matter. You're not supposed to be here tonight!
BILLY
Why not? This is my bowling night.
MARIE
Every night's your bowling night!
BILLY
Hey, what's wrong, baby?
MARIE
You promised to take me to a movie!
BILLY
Tonight!?
MARIE
Yes, tonight! But you forgot again, didn't you?
BILLY
Well, I . . .
MARIE
You forgot! You don't care about me. You don't care about anything but your crummy bowling. And your crummy three hundred game!
BILLY
(HE looks at MARIE, than at his TEAM, who are trying not to listen.)
Look, honey, I promise we'll go out tomorrow night. To the drive-in.
MARIE
(Interested.)
The drive-in?
BILLY
Sure. Remember when we were in high school, and we used to go there every Friday night?
MARIE
The movies were terrible.
BILLY
I don't really remember.
MARIE
I wonder why?
BILLY
(HE puts HIS arm around HER. SHE allows him to.)
We really had some good times back then.
MARIE
That was before you fell in love with your bowling ball!
BILLY
Aw, Marie, you know you're more important to me than anything else in the world!
MARIE
You've got a funny way of showing it. If I just disappeared one day, would you even notice? If I just said goodbye and left town?
BILLY
You know the answer to that.
TELL ME A STORY. TELL ME A LIE.
TELL ME A RIDDLE. TELL ME YOU'RE A SPY.
TELL ME SOME GOOD NEWS. TELL ME SOME BAD.
TELL ME YOU'RE HAPPY. TELL ME YOU'RE SAD.
TELL ME ANYTHING, BUT DON'T TELL ME GOODBYE.
MARIE
TAKE ME FOR GRANTED. TAKE ME AWAY.
TAKE UP WITH STRANGERS. TAKE TIME TO PRAY.
TAKE ME IN SICKNESS. TAKE ME IN HEALTH.
TAKE ME TO DISNEYWORLD. SPEND ALL YOUR WEALTH.
TAKE ME ANYWHERE, BUT DON'T TELL ME GOODBYE.
BILLY
You've got the idea now.
GIVE ME YOUR LOVING. GIVE ME A PAIN.
GIVE ME AN ARGUMENT. DESTROY MY BRAIN.
GIVE ME THE BUSINESS. GIVE ME A BREAK.
GIVE ME A SONG AND DANCE. YOU TAKE THE CAKE.
GIVE ME ANYTHING, BUT DON'T TELL ME GOODBYE.
(THEY dance a brief waltz.)
BILLY
THROW OUT MY BOWLING BALL.
MARIE
UNTIE MY SHOES.
BILLY
MAKE ME EAT SPINACH.
MARIE
GIVE ME THE BLUES.
You're good at that.
BILLY
TELL ME I'M STUPID.
MARIE
You are.
STAY OUT ALL NIGHT.
BILLY
I WON'T BE ANGRY.
MARIE
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
BOTH
TELL ME ANYTHING, BUT DON'T TELL ME GOODBYE.
TELL ME ANYTHING, BUT DON'T TELL ME GOODBYE.
MARIE
I'm still mad at you, Billy!
BILLY
I know, honey, but I'll make I up to you tomorrow night, I promise.
MARIE
No! It's gotta be tonight or never.
BILLY
Aw, Marie, I can't just . . .
MARIE
Goodbye!
(SHE turns and exits quickly, STAGE LEFT. BILLY follows her. As THEY are exiting, FRED and MARCIA enter. FRED is carrying a bowling bag.)
FRED
Marcia, you don't have to come in. Just take the car and I'll get a ride home with one of the boys.
MARCIA
But I'd like to come in. I never come in here. I just wondered what it looks like.
FRED
What's to see? It's a bowling alley.
MARCIA
(CROSSING to CENTER STAGE. Looking around.)
So this is where you spend half your life.
FRED
I don't spend half my life here. A couple nights a week
MARCIA
More like four or five. Hey, what's that all about?
FRED
(Pretending not to notice what SHE is looking at.)
What's what?
MARCIA
That sign. It says, "Mixed League Now Forming."
FRED
Ah, that's nothing. Listen, I'll see you later. Why don't you and Susie take in a movie or something.
(HE tries to hustle HER out the door, STAGE LEFT.)
MARCIA
Doesn't "mixed" mean that men and women bowl together?
FRED
No, it means guys with good averages and guys with lousy averages.
MARCIA
No, it doesn't, silly. Why don't we try it?
FRED
Yeah, sure, that'd be a real blast.
MARCIA
Why don't you want to do it?
FRED
I haven't got time to explain. I'm late already.
MARCIA
I could learn to bowl. And I bet Judy and Susie and their husbands would join, too.
FRED
(Pointing to HIS team. They appear to be having a belching contest.)
What, those guys? Don't count on it.
MARCIA
Oh, please, Freddie!
FRED
Look, can we talk about this later? I'm gonna get a fine.
MARCIA
You promise we'll talk about it?
FRED
(Grimacing.)
Yeah, I promise.
MARCIA
(SHE kisses HIM on the cheek.)
Good. I'll see you later. Bowl good.
(SHE exits, STAGE LEFT.)
FRED
(CROSSES to TEAM, grumbling to himself.)
It's really gonna hit the fan now!
ARNIE
Hiya, Fred.
(Looks at his watch.)
You just made it. Another thirty seconds and you'da been fined four beers.
HARRY
What's the matter? You don't look so good.
FRED
(Sits down heavily.)
Oh, man! It's Marcia. She wants to join the new Mixed Doubles League.
WALTER
You mean . . . with you?
FRED
(Distracted.)
Who else? Is there somebody else?
WALTER
(Solemnly.)
Not that I know of, Fred.
ARNIE
C'mon, she can't be serious!
FRED
Oh, she is. I know her. What's more, she's gonna talk to your wives, too.
HARRY
Oh, no, she's not.
FRED
Who's gonna stop her?
HARRY, ARNIE AND WALTER
You are!
ARNIE
Or else you got a big problem.
SPARES ARE NICE, BUT STRIKES ARE BETTER.
GUTTER BALLS ARE (pause) TABOO.
HARRY
THE WIFE WANTS TO BOWL, BUT I WON'T LET `ER.
I'D DO THE SAME, IF I WAS YOU.
HARRY, ARNIE AND WALTER
MIXED DOUBLES! YOU GOT TROUBLES
BUT DON'T LET IT GET YOU DOWN.
BRIBE THE MISSUS WITH KISSES.
WALTER
AND IF THAT DON'T WORK,
YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE TOWN.
ARNIE
BOWLING WITH THE BOYS IS OUR RELIGION
WE CAN DRINK AND SWEAR AND FIGHT.
HARRY
IF OUR WIVES GAVE US PERMISSION,
WE WOULD DO IT EVERY NIGHT.
HARRY, ARNIE AND WALTER
TELL MABLE, SET THE TABLE.
YOU'LL BE HOME BY TEN.
IF SHE'S MAD, THAT'S TOO BAD.
WALTER
YOU ARE BOWLING WITH THE MEN.
CHORUS
MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN (continues)
HARRY, ARNIE, WALTER AND FRED
(As a round)
SPARES ARE NICE, BUT STRIKES ARE BETTER.
GUTTER BALLS ARE (pause) TABOO.
THE WIFE WANTS TO BOWL, BUT I WON'T LET `ER.
I'D DO THE SAME IF I WERE YOU!
ARNIE
All right, you guys, let's bowl!
HARRY
First split buys a round!
WALTER
Dollar on the first double!
FRED
Beer frame's worth two in the third!
(THEY continue shouting, as the noise level in the BOWLING ALLEY begins to rise, and the CURTAIN FALLS.)
END OF ACT I, SCENE 1
GO TO ACT I, SCENE 2